After year upon year of disasters and fires,
I've come to conclude that my future with cooking seems dire.
Allow me to show you, for example, these battle scars from scalding hot butter,
An experience evoking such cuss words that not even the most profane person would utter,
Or the time I chopped peppers and then rubbed my eyes,
Subjecting myself to burning and tears from the spice-induced cries;
The firemen showing up the night I tried to make shrimp and steak
(The smoke that ensued, unfortunately, caused the fire alarm to partake.)
There are plenty of times I forgot to grease the pan
Resulting in many a dish that did not go according to plan.
Oh, the plethora of instances I forgot to look at the clock,
Only to rush to the oven to pull out salmon with the texture of chalk;
There was the time the paper towels got too close to the flames,
Starting a little fire that I am proud to say I quickly did tame.
My trip to the ER because i was struck by shattered glass in the midst of some kitchen commotion,
(Why didn't anybody tell me that pouring liquid into a piping hot dish would cause such an explosion?)
Let's not forget about emotional letdowns from accidentally charring prime meats,
Or when the simple act of boiling an egg turns out to be quite a feat;
Trying to make scallops and risotto for friends who are food connoisseurs
Evenings ending with them taking over the kitchen due to their many concerns.
Yes, I believe it is time that I hang up the pots and the mittens,
Time that I look at the oven and declare, "Good riddance!"
No more blows to the ego and wasted ingredients,
No more concerns that my meals resemble chemistry experiments;
No more worries about a recipe gone awry or whether this is the right way to saute,
And never again will I worry about undercooked meat and a kitchen in disarray!
So, as I declare an end to this culinary war and yet another small home-cooked fire,
I now have to ask: Does anyone know of a personal chef I can hire?
